Still Searching for Pancakes

Do you ever wake up and wonder how much time has gone by? Whether you were sleeping in your bed, standing at the bus terminal, or binge watching Netflix, time keeps ticking and you have to be conscious about it. Yesterday I wasn’t.

I woke up and squinted at the window to see what time it was and saw the afternoon glow of the sun shine through the shutters. I reached for my glasses and checked my phone and I was right. It was 2:28 PM.

After a long night of staying up, click after click of videos and episodes, I went to bed at 6AM and woke up eight hours later. I don’t know why I didn’t go to the event I signed up for. It wasn’t required for class, but with free food and a giveaway at the end. I let my legs dangle off the edge of my bed and looked down at the messy floor of my tiny room. I didn’t want to leave the bed or start the day, albeit the afternoon. 

With days like these when I get out of my bed, I look at myself in the mirror. I have to stare at the reflection to know if the person staring back is me because this is the first time I’ve seen myself since I came back from class the day before.

I spend the day sitting in my room staring at my computer and wonder why I feel like utter crap. Would going back to bed work? No, I tell myself,  I have to accomplish something today. Okay so let me try to read for class on Tuesday. But I can’t bring myself to get up and find the book. So maybe I’m just lazy when I know I have zero actual life or death responsibilities due today? Everything that needs to be done can be due at another time.. So I come to the question of did I need to recover after working so hard and being stressed Monday and Tuesday? Yeah. Mondays and Tuesdays are always the worst. I only had four hours of sleep going into Tuesday. I deserved to sleep in. 

I passed the time catching up on Shameless (U.S.) Great show, haven’t seen the sixth season. But with every episode I watched, the clock got closer to 7PM.

That was when the concert would start. Long story short there was a band I wanted to see, but I didn’t want to go alone. I asked multiple people, even a complete stranger who said he liked the bands. But when I messaged him about it, he read it and never responded. I felt weird to be waiting for him to respond, like the rest of my night was up in the air depending on this guy.

Yeah, I could’ve went alone but

I left the house (only once that day) at 6PM to get a burrito from Chipotle and I was dressed in a complete IDGAF way, slippers included. I never saw any of my PSP friends. I never saw any of my best friends. The only real conversation I had was when I talked to my mom on the phone and I was worried she’d think I sounded sad, when I was actually anticipating a message from DJ guy. I took a long hot shower and washed all of the stress and dirt and worries away. I ate ice cream. I watched Netflix. That was my 11/16/2016 from 2:28 PM – 11:59 PM.

When I’m 80 years old I won’t remember this day because, not just because I didn’t do anything memorable, but because I wasn’t being brave. I could have gone to the concert alone, but I wasn’t brave enough to go into an Uber by myself or trust I’d be okay by myself in a crowd of drunk people at a ska concert. Instead I sat at my computer and ate an okay burrito watching Shameless when 1.5 miles away I could have been having fun at a concert.

I don’t mean to complain but I’d like to think I slept in because I was stressed from the days before and scared for the night to come. I mean if I can’t go to a concert by myself, when will I do anything by myself?

When will I make my own damn chocolate chip pancakes?

Thursday will be better because I have classes and commitments. But on days like this, these idle hands days, I need to make a better plan. I need to not stay up when most people wake up. Because I graduate in three weeks, and my mom won’t always be there to make me chocolate chip pancakes.


More Pancakes Please
In Need of Pancakes

One thought on “Still Searching for Pancakes

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